February 22, 2010

No Judgement?

I love blogging. The idea of journaling my thoughts and my feelings and all the while tracking the memories of my children's lives. It's fabulous!

Of course it comes with its fair share of down falls. Like the fact that everything you write is then broken down and over analyzed to the point that everyone (including friends and family) seems to think that they know your every thought.

If I say that I am sad, I'm suddenly depressed. If I am sick, rumors start to fly that I am on my death bed.

The fact of the matter is that everyone shouldn't read too much into what I write. Just take it for what it is. There are no underlying issues. It is what it is.

Why am I bringing this all up? Because I am about to vent in a way that would make one think that I hate my life or I am unhappy. While I am unhappy, it's only pertaining to this one subject.

I'm a Navy wife!
I've written about this before, but for the sake of my sanity, I'm writing it again!

When Johnathon and I first met, he quickly told me that he had every intention on joining the military. This was one HUGE factor why I turned him down the first few times he asked me out. (sorry, babe!) You see, we were already best friends and the way I saw it, that was fine. I wasn't about to make that kind of commitment. Why start dating a boy that would be leaving me in 6 months? I had no idea what it would bring and I was scared.

Eventually I couldn't resister his obviously charm and we began dating. ;)

Like clock work, he left. Gone. I was a junior in high school and was sure that I was making a huge mistake by investing all of my time and energy in someone that lived states away. Our relationship had it's ups and downs as any long distance relationship would. Nonetheless, we grew closer and HE PROPOSED!

I guess I was naive, or maybe crazy, but the idea of Johnathon re-enlisting and making the Navy his career never crossed my mind. I just assumed that the four years would fly by and we would soon be settling down in a small house in central Illinois just in time to welcome our first child.

We sure made God giggle by making those plans.

One year into our marriage, four months after the birth of our twin daughters and one day before my 20th birthday...he re-enlisted. Johnathon was #1 EP sailor and even the 2006 Blue Jacket Sailor of the Year!! He was scooting right on through and doing great. When Johnathon made E-5 in three short years I knew that I was in trouble. This was serious!

Johnathon loved his job. His job loved him. We made alright money and had WONDERFUL benefits. I was able to stay home with the kids and we lived in a nice house. Life was good.

I love the way that my husband wakes up in the morning wanting to go to work. I love that he excels in his job and looks forward to learning more everyday. What I have a problem with is how this all effects me.

"Be strong. Hang in there. It's all worth it."

That's what everyone tells me. And while I do want to do and be all of these things, it's killing me.

I feel as though my husband is having a torrid affair with the Navy. They have him half of this week, the next two weeks, most of next month, three weeks here, five weeks there. They get him every 8 days for 24 hours. They also plan on taking him for 6 straight months at the end of 2011. Do other women have it worse off? Yes, probably. Are there some men over in foreign countries fighting for their lives? Yes, God bless them. But, again, I am being selfish! I want to talk about how I feel!

At this point I would almost rather them take Johnathon for months at a time. At least then I wouldn't have to say good-bye as much. It would be one big sad good-bye and I would be done. It's like pulling a band-aid off slowly. Yanking each hair out one by one. People often say "At least the good-byes get easier as time goes on.' WRONG! They obviously aren't saying good-bye to loved ones all the time.

I love my children, all three of them, but I do not like taking care of them on my own. Bless Johnathon's heart! He tries to help when he is home, he does! And the kids miss him like crazy and they are starting to realize that he is constantly gone. I caught them playing house today and one of them was Daddy and the other was the baby. They are craving time with their dad. They notice his absence.

I would normally be able to handle the absence of my husband, but unlike many others, I do not have a support group to fall back on. My nearest family member is almost 3000 miles away and unlike those actors on TV who make it seem like all military wives are best buds, I have very few true friends. (that's a whole other post!)

Johnathon has been gone for a week now and I was just informed that they may be keeping him out to sea for another day. UGH! I give up. I'm sick of staring at the same white walls, the same meals every night, the same pooped diapers, the same books, the same rainy gloomy sky.

I want my husband back!

I guess I just have one more thing to say...

"Is it all REALLY worth it?"

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Allie Mulligan said...

Oh Sarah, it is like you completely read my mind!! I know exactly how you feel (well except for the kids part). But No, as everyone does think, it Never gets easier! It gets harder in my opinoin. I also agree with the good-byes, Scott was gone all last week and came back Friday, for what? To work until 8-9 both nights this weekend and leave again today! I just want you to know that I am here. Just call anytime. We can get through this, as much as we can at least, together!! XOXO

mrs. b. said...

oh, mama, i am not even going to try and pretend to understand. i have a hard enough time when my hubs is @ work for 10 hrs a day...i can't imagine having to fly solo as much as you have to! if it means anything, i think you do a pretty amazing job.

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