August 26, 2008

-i'm having a really hard time trying to figure out how to start this entry. there are so many thoughts going through my head and i'm not quite sure where to start. my grandpa passed away almost two weeks ago and i am still having a hard time dealing with all of my emotions. i miss him more than words could possibly explain and i think about him constantly. i am completely numb inside and i think in a lot of ways i am still in denial about it all. i am scared for the day that it all hits me. the funeral was hard enough to go through, but i think the realization of the whole matter is going to be what puts me over the edge. i know that he is in a much better place and isn't hurting anymore. i know that this is what God had in store for him and our family. i know that everything happens for a reason...but all of these things don't make me feel any better. i've been praying so much lately and it feels great to be able to talk and get everything off of my chest. i've never been good with change and it feels like EVERYTHING is changing right in front of my eyes. my niece is starting kindergarten tomorrow...the twins are starting to walk...tomorrow i fly home to husband gets home from sea on, like the seasons, is & my momma


as the end of august approaches i am trying to look back and think of where the month has gone. i had originally thought that johnny being out to sea would be the hardest part of the month...boy was i in for a shock! as i usually do, i have really enjoyed my visit to illinois. i just wish that i had come on better terms and for different reasons. i have always believed that 'everything happens for a reason' but it took this difficult time in my life to really believe that. yes, i lost my grandpa, but i also got to be around my family and friends to take my mind off of my husbands absence. my family was more than thrilled to have the joy of my children around them as they mourned the loss of two wonderful men in our family.

i am beyond excited about the homecoming of johnny! his ship will dock sometime friday afternoon in San Diego. i know he misses the twins like crazy and can't wait to hold them in his arms. when he left i learned to appreciate him in ways i never had before. i am looking forward to holding hands, long hugs, meaningful kisses and late night conversations after the girls are in bed. i can't wait to play video games, fight over the computer and get upset about him not picking up after himself. i miss him watching stupid action movies on the weekends, him leaving pop cans on the garage floor and most of all i just miss his presence around me.

the twins are offically 14 months old today (11 1/2 months corrected). i just look at them sometimes and i am in awe of how much they are grown and how much they have learned in the last few weeks. its almost sad in a way. i remember the long nights of feedings and diaper changes. i miss the days when i would panic because i was so overwhelmed and over worked/under rested. believe it or not, but i really do miss having a newborn around. just going through all the daily obsticales and growing and learning with the baby (babies in my case :)).

i finally went out and got my hair cut yesterday. i LOVE it. its about shoulder length and just long enough to get into a pony tail. its going to be so much easier to maintain and style. i was starting to look like a dirt bag with my boring long hippy hair! haha.

i can't wait to take all of thses life experiences and learn from them. i love the path my life is taking and i can only hope that these last few weeks will mold and shape me into a better person. latley i have felt the urge to change and grow as a person. i want to lead a life that i can be proud of. i want to do everything in my power to set a good example for my children. i want to make a good life for them and love them with all of my heart. they are what got me through the month of august and i know that they will be my rocks for years to come.

God Bless

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