March 17, 2014

It's hard

It's hard.
All of it.
Over a year ago I opened up my heart and home to any child that needed our love. My hope was that I could make a difference in the life of just one child, preferably many.
I prepared myself for the time commitment that this would be.
I attended over 24 hours of training.
I considered all of the challenges of a drug exposed and abused child.
I had many long talks with my girls about how this would effect their lives.
I expected to be a foster parent.
That's not how it went.
D was placed in our home almost a year ago and from that very first second, he has transformed my life in such an unpredicted and amazing way. I'll never forget walking into that NICU with my FFA CCM and seeing his beautiful blue eyes and gorgeous red hair. The way his perfectly pale skin blended with my own and finding such comfort in the way he laid in my arms.
We had a 'normal' experience in the beginning, sure. Visits with bio parents and the occasional email from family.
I'm not sure when it happened.
I don't recall the exact second that I dropped the word "foster" from my vocabulary completely.
Visits stopped.
Time between emails grew and grew.
Gone were the constant reminders of "foster care".
Suddenly there was just us. A family.
Even though D's case is still ongoing, we are simply living life while we wait for his adoptions worker to make a permanent placement plan.
I am trying.
Trying to prepare myself for what is sure to be a quick transition as D leaves our home forever, but always remaining hopeful that we will be able to remain even a small part of his life.
It's hard.

I think of blogging often and many times begin to write a post only to delete it all and walk away. Talking about D's case is so difficult. Not only because of my emotions, but mainly for his privacy.

My girls are also growing into beautiful little ladies and I fear for their privacy as well. With every post I wonder if I am sharing too much of their lives. This blog was once meant to keep our families updated and it has grown into so much more than I ever thought possible.

We are moving soon. To a new part of San Diego. I am looking forward to being closer to the girls' school and actually having a back yard for the first time in my adulthood. I know the girls will love a little freedom when it comes to playing outdoors.

I hope to keep everyone updated with our move and with what I can share of D's case. I appreciate your ongoing support.


Cassie Glynn said...

As a social worker who did adoptions for foster care/special needs children, I am so sorry for your family for the uncertainty. I am just wondering from a personal level and a professional one why you are not being offered the option to adopt this little one if all is not coming together for the biological parents? Hope you don't mind me asking! Good luck to you and your family!

Sarah said...

Without sharing the details of it, there is an out - of - state relative interested.

Sarah said...

Thank you, though. I really appreciate it. At times, the unknown is the hardest part.

Cassie Glynn said...

That is so unfortunate for your little guy! Hopefully things will work out and he can remain with your family! I can't even imagine the impact of leaving such a loving home especially at his age, being the only home he has ever known. Hopefully it will work out for you and your family! I will keep all of you in my thoughts! In my 7 years of social work and placing for adoptions I never had a child remain with a biological family member so I will hope for the best for you guys! :)

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